@okcupid 2022-01-27T14:07:07.000000Z 字数 4625 阅读 141

Learning to be more assertive can take time

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My husband was very passive by nature for the many years. His father was very naturally a servant in every aspect of his life. He not only served his family but also the community he lived in. So my husband’s role model was always that of a very patient, serving father. His mother was the more selfish one and the bossier one. His father was not a pushover by any means but was not domineering at all. His natural way to handle most situations was to try to serve his wife and to care for her needs emotionally and physically. My husband modeled that. I tend to be a bit on the bossy side and have tended to wear the pants, not because I liked it but because my husband was so mellow. He always wanted to please me so he would often defer to my wishes.

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Since our relationship has become a Taken In Hand one, we have both been much happier. He feels more in control of our home and I feel more at peace and more protected. This change has been a long time coming, though. I began to change about 8 years ago by gradually giving up control to him and he gradually took the authority. It was a little bit at a time so that over a year ago when he started using physical consequences to help me it felt very natural. I liked it a lot and he found he did too. But the change in our relationship started many years before he started taking me in hand physically and emotionally. Before that he would never have demanded my submission or obedience – I just gave it to him. But I gave it intermittently and inconsistently. I lacked respect for my husband. When he started to demand my respect it sky rocketed in my heart, and my love for him grew too.

Here is my advice for what it's worth. Read The Surrendered Wife and think through it. You may not agree with everything there, but it is a good starting place. You giving up the authority and surrendering to your husband will be the place to start. The more you surrender the more control he will take. It will begin to feel natural to him.

Secondly, I suggest if you enjoy the idea you begin using erotic spanking during sex. We did and we both loved it. Just feeling his dominance during sex brought a new spark to our sex life as well as life outside of the bedroom. It gave him a greater sense of dominance and it gave me a greater sense of submission. Gradually he started adding extra swats for real offenses or harder sessions for real offenses. If I had been bitchy on any given day I knew I would feel it during our nightly lovemaking. I would therefore be more careful about how I acted or what I said. It sort of slowly evolved into what it has become now.

He is now completely different from how he used to be a year ago and so am I. It is possible to see these changes occur but it does take time. If you are embarking on this course, try to enjoy every change you see in yourself as well as any you see in your husband.

The Controlling Passive.
This is a very heartwarming article and shows that two people working towards the same goal can make it work.

But I do believe that a man has to have 'it' in him from the outset - if he doesn't then it's simply not there to be drawn out.

Some men, in my view, are genetically/biologically determined to be passive, and however much genetic engineering is all the rage these days, these particular men cannot change, however much a woman yields her submission.

One synonym for 'passive' is 'submissive', therefore, in this scenario, what you have is two submissives together, which if you like this - all well and good - (and it might make for a peaceful life - for him anyway, but where is the passion?) However, if the woman wants a dominant man this leaves her frustrated and unhappy.

In my view, I believe a genetically determined passive man really DOES just want the quiet 'let's not get over emotional about this' life.

Therefore, instead of applying his slipper strongly but calmly to the woman's bare bottom, be that figuratively or literally, he just puts it on his foot and settles down in an easy chair.

In any relationship somebody has to make the final decision or everything falls apart, so, in a case like this, must the woman take up the reins, even though it is the last thing in the world she either needs/wants/desires, in order to keep the ship afloat?

Which leaves the question, in my mind anyway, 'Is his passitivity actually a 'passive control', read non-consensual here, because he has exactly what he wants, i.e. the woman who will be quietly submissive but also take on the responsibility?

Why, may you ask, would any woman wanting a dominant man get involved with such a passive man in the first place? Maybe because they mistake his very quietness with a 'silent but strong' personality? I'm not sure - but it happens.
All this being said I must add that things will probably be different for you and your husband because you are different from me and mine.

I hope this helps. I was sure my husband would never learn to “wear the pants”. Well he does, and very nicely too!

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